I apologize for the length between posts, but illness has been kicking my behind lately.  After I returned from Houston, I got an extra week off for my body to try to recuperate.  It helped.  I actually felt like myself for three whole days.  It was so nice.  Then I started Cycle 5 and I caught sometime really nasty.  It was one of the worst things I have ever been through in my life.  Every single muscle in my body was screaming at me – it was as if I had run a triathlon without any training.  There were days when I sat in the recliner and didn’t move all day.  Literally.  I wasn’t able to eat, I couldn’t move… it was rough.  I just barely kicked that when it was time for chemo again.  This week is better, but it’s really more like the first couple cycles of chemo.  I’m tired and sore – the flu-like symptoms I’ve come to expect.  I’m sleeping ten hours at night and another four or so during the day.  My days run together; I really cannot believe we’re already halfway through November.

Lots of good things have been happening as well.  People have just been unbelievably generous to us.  I cannot even describe how blessed we are.  From the people who keep giving me Sprite (which helps with nausea) to unexpected checks or cash, to the fundraiser to coupons people give me to prayers and prayers and prayers, my family has been so amazingly blessed.  I have intentions of writing thank-you notes; I just have to find a day that I feel well enough.  Please know that everything you do is so appreciated.

The holidays are coming up and my husband and I are getting ready to travel.  We are blessed to be able to take a little vacation at the same time.  My parents have a timeshare on a condo at the beach and they are allowing us to go for a few days by ourselves.  The plan is to head to my in-laws this weekend, then leave Little Man with them during the week while we head to the beach for a few days, then head back in time for Thanksgiving.  I hope this time will be nice and refreshing, especially for my husband who has been working double and triple duty picking up all the slack for me.  He works full-time then comes home and works much more.  He’s doing 90% of the parenting, as well as preparing meals, doing the dishes, cleaning, taking care of me, grocery shopping… you name it, he’s doing it.  And he never complains.  God certainly knew what he was doing when he created this man for me.  I thank Him every day.

Spiritually, I’ve been in real dry cycle.  My prayer life has reached a screeching halt because I don’t know what to pray for anymore.  I feel so completely selfish when I pray for myself.  Somehow it’s okay when other people pray for me, but it just feels wrong to pray for myself.  So I tend to pray prayers of thankfulness, for my son and my husband, etc.  I pray for situations that come up, such as a house that burns down.  And I leave this big gaping hole where I should be praying for myself and my situation.  I don’t really know how to resolve it.  We haven’t been making it to church a lot lately because I’ve been so tired or ill, but we made it this week and the sermon was one I needed to hear.  It was about what to do when we’re in the “waiting periods” and goodness knows I’m in a waiting period.  Now I just need to listen to it again and start trying to do what he said.

Pray for me.  Not just for my cancer and my health, but pray that my heart would open and God would begin to work through me.  Pray that I would be open and receptive and that God could bring me to the place He has planned for me.



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7 responses to “

  1. sharon price

    Thank you so much for the update. Ive been checking every day & in my spam worried your posts had gotten banished to that dreadful folder.Maybe, you not being able to pray for yourself isnt a bad thing. Perhaps, you have enough people praying for you & praying to take away some of.your mental stress so you focus on healing since stress takes such a toll on ones body, not to mention ones soul.

    Just my thoughts on it. I know it can be annoying having a silver lining person in your face when you dont feel well. I miss you! Hope to see you guys at the condo

  2. Mama

    Rom. 8:26-27 “The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.”

  3. Wendy Blackmon

    Romans 8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

    The Holy Spirit knows what you need, when you need it and is there for you always. Let Him do your talking…don’t despair.
    We are praying for you also.

  4. Jackie Sport

    Ditto what your Mom and Wendy Blackmon said! And thanks for the prayers about the burned house-we appreciate it so much!Love you!!!

  5. Andrea

    You know, sometimes God works through us by making us the tool and not the actor. You just don’t know the impact praying for you has on others. Be grateful and pray that you are the tool of God’s plan. And we will keep praying for you.

  6. Tipi

    Thank you for your honesty on your blog. I enjoy keeping up with you. Last night at Girl Time, I looked for you. The prayer team did a session on praying through the nativity. I’ll make sure you get a copy of the booklet. I’ve been through the dry season and looking back, God was right there with me the whole time. I felt like He was far away because I too, didn’t know how to pray for myself. The prayers of other people carried me until I was able to look back and see the gold nuggets he placed in my life.

    • My Bible study didn’t meet last night, so I didn’t come. Having been a Christian for many years, I know that God is right here with me even through this dry time. I think I just needed to admit to myself that it is a dry time, and ask for prayers and accountability as I get through it. Being at home by myself all day every day doesn’t lend itself towards accountability, but this blog does. I know people read it and pray for me. My mom brought me a new devotional book that she has used before. If you bring me that booklet, it will be another way to pray through it. I know God is working; I just have to trust Him through it.

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