Today I’ve been thinking about the child we lost. She (I have no basis to know that it was a she other than my gut) would have been three months old this month if the cancer hadn’t taken her from me. My body just couldn’t sustain this huge mass growing in me and a child; and now I will never be able to be pregnant again. It hurts, at times. I know that she is in heaven and we will see her one day, but sometimes I just ache to hold her. I look at our son and wonder how different his life would have been if he had a sister. I wonder how different my and my husband’s lives would be. It would certainly be different this time around. I know nothing about bottles or formula, but I definitely wouldn’t be able to nurse with all this poison in my body to try to kill the cancer. Would I still be traveling to MD Anderson? Would I take the baby with me? I don’t know because those choices were taken from me. And that is probably the hardest part of cancer – it takes your choices from you. Granted, I have new choices now – chemo or not? MD Anderson or not? But my choice today would have been to pick my son up early, have time to play with him, go to Bible study, and give my husband some time off. Instead, I had to choose not to pick him up because I can’t risk going to the day care and picking anything up after I threw up last night. We’re not going to church tonight, for the same reason, but we are going to attempt to walk around the neighborhood as a family. As tired as I’ve been, I don’t think we’ll get far, but we’re making the effort. My choice all week would have been to clean and put up Halloween decorations, but I get completely wiped when I do anything. (Washing the dishes yesterday cost me a three-hour nap.)
I’m okay. I’m feeling a little down, but I’m otherwise okay. I know Who gives me my days and I am thankful for each and every one. I just occasionally want to post to let you know what sort of things can get me down. Prayers are always appreciated. Friday is my big chemo day and Saturday is the fundraiser, so I expect to be tired (but hopefully a “good tired”) next week. But who knows? My symptoms haven’t ever really followed any sort of pattern. Maybe I’ll have the best week ever next week!