Sorry I’m just now getting around to the update, but it’s been a busy several days. I had my scans on Monday night and met with my doctor Tuesday afternoon. Scans look good; there is more shrinkage. This is a huge blessing. But even more of a blessing was what my doctor told me this time. I expressed concern about the extreme amount of fatigue I have been having, about how it’s difficult to do anything. Even walking from one place to the other in the hospital I had to take 3 breaks where I sat down and caught my breath. And the airport? I had to use wheelchairs this time. I can’t take Little Man anywhere by myself because I get tired out too quickly. So, my doctor heard and understood. First, he told me to take another week off before starting chemo again. That means today is completely free and my body gets more chance to recover before starting again. (This also, hopefully, means that I will have some energy on Halloween!) My doctor then told me that we were going to reduce the dosage of one of the drugs by 25%. This is huge; my local doctor was very relieved to hear it. Next, he told me that if I still have the extreme fatigue I have been having with this next cycle, then for my following cycle I can not do the Taxotere at all (just have a Gemzar cycle). Again, this is huge. Finally, he told me there is chance that I can take the month of December off from chemo! I’m really praying for that one to come true. Nothing would make my Christmas like not having to be on chemo. So it was good news all around!
Monthly Archives: October 2012
This week is normally my hard week after my long chemo. I think I’ve had enough cycles now that I know what medications to take to head off the major symptoms. That means this week my only issues were nausea, loss of appetite, and tiredness. I napped every single day, whether it was intentional or not! (One day I fell asleep in the chair for about three hours.) I tried to do laundry, but it was too much for me, and I probably should have known that. We ate a lot of easy meals (frozen casseroles and such) and I went to bed early every night. But I was able to play with my son on a couple of nights and I was able to run errands with my mom today. I feel pretty good about all this, even though it was not an easy week. I keep wanting to be able to do more, but I know there’s a limit. I feel like this week was one of the better “hard” weeks that I’ve had. The loss of appetite was the hardest, because if I didn’t eat I didn’t have any energy. It was a vicious cycle. But there were meals I just couldn’t eat this time. I know they’re going to get onto me about my protein when I get to MD Anderson on Monday. A friend promised to send me some protein shake recipes, so maybe that will help when I just can’t eat. Anyway, I just wanted to post that I had had a pretty good week.
**I’m headed to Houston for scans and to see my doctor on Monday and Tuesday, so prayers for safe travel and good results will be most definitely appreciated!
Today I’ve been thinking about the child we lost. She (I have no basis to know that it was a she other than my gut) would have been three months old this month if the cancer hadn’t taken her from me. My body just couldn’t sustain this huge mass growing in me and a child; and now I will never be able to be pregnant again. It hurts, at times. I know that she is in heaven and we will see her one day, but sometimes I just ache to hold her. I look at our son and wonder how different his life would have been if he had a sister. I wonder how different my and my husband’s lives would be. It would certainly be different this time around. I know nothing about bottles or formula, but I definitely wouldn’t be able to nurse with all this poison in my body to try to kill the cancer. Would I still be traveling to MD Anderson? Would I take the baby with me? I don’t know because those choices were taken from me. And that is probably the hardest part of cancer – it takes your choices from you. Granted, I have new choices now – chemo or not? MD Anderson or not? But my choice today would have been to pick my son up early, have time to play with him, go to Bible study, and give my husband some time off. Instead, I had to choose not to pick him up because I can’t risk going to the day care and picking anything up after I threw up last night. We’re not going to church tonight, for the same reason, but we are going to attempt to walk around the neighborhood as a family. As tired as I’ve been, I don’t think we’ll get far, but we’re making the effort. My choice all week would have been to clean and put up Halloween decorations, but I get completely wiped when I do anything. (Washing the dishes yesterday cost me a three-hour nap.)
I’m okay. I’m feeling a little down, but I’m otherwise okay. I know Who gives me my days and I am thankful for each and every one. I just occasionally want to post to let you know what sort of things can get me down. Prayers are always appreciated. Friday is my big chemo day and Saturday is the fundraiser, so I expect to be tired (but hopefully a “good tired”) next week. But who knows? My symptoms haven’t ever really followed any sort of pattern. Maybe I’ll have the best week ever next week!
The fundraiser is happening on Saturday and it is filling up fast. We need a little help on the day of the fundraiser, mainly with paperwork-type stuff. There are some photography release forms that have to be filled out and money that has to be collected, so we need someone to help with those things. I can probably do the release forms if necessary, but I figure people might be a little weirded out if I’m handling the money. If you’re in the area and are willing to help, please let me know! Thanks!
There seems to be no order to my days. The days that I’m supposed to feel bad may or may not be bad days and it seems like I’m always sick on my “good” days. It’s incredibly frustrating. People always ask me how I’m doing and I always answer, “Tired.” I want to be able to tell someone (anyone, but especially my husband) anything other than tired. My latest fear is that I’ll be too tired to walk the block with my son on Halloween. I mean, I guess I can stay home and pass out candy, but it’s not the same.
This “off week” has been exhausting and I hope when they take my bloodwork tomorrow they’ll find a reason for it. Maybe my counts are still low. I guess I will feel better if I know there’s a reason for it. It’s just so incredibly frustrating not knowing. I feel like a failure somehow because I’m supposed to feel better this week and I don’t. I had planned to do a little straightening up around the house and put up some Halloween decorations. I was really looking forward to that. But there have been days this week that I didn’t even come out of my pajamas. I hate that.